The Head Librarian

I had an incident today that reinforced my view that librarians are still bully victims that have taken it upon themselves to get back at those who have plagued them since birth. They are people who have limited social skills and take it upon themselves to become to upholders of "Library Law".

Library Law cannot be broken. The golden rule in their culture is "The Books will Save us All", and their every whim must be obeyed at all times. You take a book back late, you are forever banned from their home domain, the Library. You will forever be prohibited from accessing the knowledge that their precious papers hold, branding you an idiot and failure to humanity for the rest of time.

Their is a strict code of hierarchy within the Librarian community. You must fight other Librarians to the top of a mile high books, with only a nail-studded club and spiky mace type weapons. Whoever makes it to the top first, is head Librarian, and they are the equivalent of Librarian God.
Like this.

I tried to take some books out today from the university Library, an unconventional place for any student to be at such an early time.
I need them for a feature due in next week, so I was doing some research.
The machine that can be used to check out the books was in a bad mood. It didn't like my student card. So I went to the desk. I didn't realize this woman had got to the top of the pile first.

Here goes the conversation:

Me: "I need these books, but my bar-code hasn't been recognized."

Librarian: "I'll just have a look for you."

Me: "Cheers."

Librarian: "You can't have the books. You have a block. You have handed books in late *gives the look of death* no books for you. No books for a week. No books!"

Me: "But I have an essay due next week, I need these books now."

Librarian: "NO! You don't get books! No books for you! You have a block. You handed books in late, you don't get to take the books!"

Me: "But..."

Librarian: "NOOOO BOOOOOOOOOOOKKKKKKSSSSSSSS!!!"

I genuinely thought she was going to implode.
I didn't get the books.

Boo.

Farewell,

:)

The Church goes digital

The Church goes digital

Just another of the more serious things that I write for NXGzine in London, part of my work experience, and training towards being a pro-journo and moving to NYC!

Life: The Waking Up Trauma

There are two types of people in the world.

Those who can wake up in the morning and jump right into life, and 

Those who wander around in a stupor for a good hour, dribbling slightly and grunting incoherently at any noise that they take notice of.

I discovered for real this morning I am a fully fledged member of the second group. 

Waking up for me has always been like brain surgery, overly hard and takes many years of training to successfully complete without the result of death to another.

I stumbled downstairs, bleary eyed and muttering curses at the world in general, and groped my way to the kitchen at boyfriends house. He had a cup of tea waiting for me, bless him. It didn't help at all.

I managed to wrap my hand around the mug and stared at the human shaped blob that was him, sniffed, and sat on the floor. I basically looked like a primeval caveman but with slightly less intelligence. They could make fire, I could just about make noise, but it was a horrific struggle none-the-less.

I was thus led up to the bed, and laid to rest, so I could gain control of my saliva glands, and my limbs, as they were unable to function due to the stupid number that was displayed on the clock.

I hate mornings.

Belated New Years Resolution: Be able to act like a civilised human being who can speak with words and sentences when woken up, and not resort to violence.

Farewell,

:)

Christmas: The Finger Buffet

I never knew why Boxing Day was called Boxing Day, I thought it had something to do with sport, but no. According to the Student's Life Guide, Wikipedia, it was a custom in the UK for tradesmen to collect "Christmas boxes" of money or presents on the first weekday after Christmas as thanks for good service throughout the year.

Like this.

From my own personal experience, this is the day that Mother of Me brings out all the scraps and pieces of food that no-one was willing to ingest in fear of exploding on Christmas Day. She calls it, the "Finger Buffet".

I have never completely understood why we would be convinced that this food is more edible and appealing that the day before based on:

A) It has been chopped into smaller, "finger-fun-sized" pieces

B) It has been placed precariously onto a plate that she holds less dear than the expensive ones used on Christmas Day

C) She declares to the house (with great pride and satisfaction) that the "Finger Buffet" is ready, DIG IN!!

Let me make this clear, I feel no personal need to basically eat what would have been a nicer meal yesterday when I was slightly (HA) intoxicated, high on "new present fumes" and safe in the knowledge that I won't have to eat for another week or so, in the fear that if I do, I will be what medical people call "Morbidly Whale Formed".

Farewell,

:)

Christmas: The Train, The Student and the Old Person

To explain the story, I live in Southampton, and due to the UKs inability to cope with the snow, and any form of cold in general. I had to travel up to Yorkshire on a train, the only form of transport that works, and that is plagued with delays and other tedious wastes of time. But I had a seat reserved, so everything was well with the world.

I have discovered that trains combined with long journeys have more in common with a soul destroying demon dog than they do with the real world. They are pure evil. You can always guarantee that there will be a small child in front who feels the need to play their own version "peek-a-boo" which usually revolves around them staring at you, over an extended period of time, and not getting bored.
Horrible fact number 1.

As well as the child who has a weirdly long attention span, there are the token old people, who have adopted the ideology that the world owes them because they are old, wrinkly and have a hatred for anyone under 30.
Horrible fact number 2.

Horrible fact number's 1 and 2 were combined on this particular journey, and the old person in question was a particularly nasty specimen, she didn't like students, end of conversation.
I had a massive bag with me which I had managed to drag onto the Train of Evil, and put on the seat next to me (as there was no-where left in the storage bit).
I saw her coming from the bottom of the carriage.

I had 3 options.
1 - Smile politely and move the bag
2 - Stare out of the window as if I was in deep thought
3 - Pretend to be asleep, put my I-Pod in and hope to hell that she went away.
I chose option 3, but she didn't go away. Boo.

She came over, her eyes livid with the jealousy of youth and vitality (me...HA). As I feigned sleep with evry fibre of my being, she started poking me.
I kept the façade going as long as I could, but she was one determined old biddy, damn her!

To cut a long story short, this is how the conversation went:

Her - *Poking with her pointy talon* You, you there....you!
Me - *Grumbling* What?
Her - *Poking the bag* That shouldn't be there. I want that seat. (keep in mind there were about 10 other chairs dotted around)
Me - Well where else is there to put it?
Her - Anywhere but the chair, I want it, move the bag...
Me - Where else is there to put it?
Her - Anywhere but the chair, I want...
Me - Yes, you've made it clear you want the chair, please by all means, if you can find me somewhere else to put the bag and I will move it, and you can have this seat
Her - I want THAT..SEAT!!

She gave me the dirtiest look, mumbled something in the Tongue of the Old-Person, and shuffled off. She then proceeded to have a go at some other poor victim who had a handbag on the chair next to her.
Both bags were moved, and she sat next to me, Boo some more.
I took the I-Pod out and started to read, she took it upon herself to eat the biggest and loudest bag of crisps ever. Evil EVIL WOMAN!!

So, I put the I-Pod back in, and turned the music up as far as it would go, Hallelujah for overly-loud earphones that Boyfriend brought.

Victory was mine, she didn't look happy, but accepted her fate.
Good on her, she had the determination to have that for another 5 hours, at intervals of 20 minutes.

Farewell

:)

Life: Go Compare Guy

There are no real words to portray my hate of this individual. I understand that he is a character that has been created by a multi-national insurance corporation, and they are purely selling a product. But drug dealers are selling their products, and I have no lost love for them either.
He is the epitome of what is wrong with the world. Combine him with the X-Factor, snakes, PDA's (Public Displays of Affection) and socially-inept people, and you might as well hand me the gun now.
Every time this TV advert comes on, I feel the rage spiralling up inside me. The occupants of the room seem to have learnt a method of telekinetic-foresight that allow them to dodge the flying objects that will suddenly hurtle towards the TV with the speed of shit off a shovel.
This is how the situation nearly always ends.

I hate him. He is the bane of my life. I will hunt down the creators of this advert, and destroy them.

Farewell

:)

Life: The 3 Deaths of InDesign

May InDesign be forever the bane of any student's life.
Even breathing the word "InDesign" can bring any student to the floor, sobbing quietly in the feotal position, in a pool of their own dribble.
This is from my experience anyway.

In reality, we just slowly simmer until the end of the seminar and then hold an 20 minute long discussion on how shit InDesign actually is, how it is putting us off existing, and should be destroyed.

So I dedicate this to you, students who hate InDesign CS5.
I have come up with my 3 main ways, in which it should be destroyed.

1) Be sacrificed by a host of strange, mutated animals who hunger for the secrets of STICKING TO THE FUCKING BASSLINE GRID!! and making all their images HIGH RESOLUTION, THEY MUST BE HIGH RESOLUTION!!

2) Be sent back in a time machine to a few hundren, million, gazillion squillion years ago where that meteorite thing hit the world and destroyed the dinosaurs. The Big Man Up Above (aka. God) sent this massive hunk of flaming rock down to kill the dinosaurs because of the fact that they DIDN'T USE PAGE FURNITURE!! SHAME ON THEM!!

3) Be framed with the death of an innocent little bird, and placed infront of an animal rights protest, where it will be ripped to shreds. The animal rights protesters will say they destroyed the evil InDesign because IT HAD TO BE TOLD FOR 3 WEEKS IN A ROW WHAT A COLOUR WAS!! Hang your head in shame InDesign, red and green should NEVER been seen!!

And this was the 3 ways in which I see InDesign being destroyed.
Hope you enjoyed,

Farewell,

:)